Home » Keepin' It Real » I Stand in Awe!

I Stand in Awe!

I am always thankful, but some days I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me.  After praying for my children, grandchildren, and other extended family and friends I am just in awe.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 19 and she was just 40.  She actually passed away 20 days before my 20th birthday.  She and my dad were married 17-years then divorced.  My mother never knew anything of any of her grandchildren.  For the longest time, I feared dying at a young age myself.  I don’t know why.  I am now 56 and I no longer have that fear.  I actually haven’t had it for a very long time.  When I came to know Jesus and was adopted into HIS family, I realized that my days on this earth were in His hands.  My earthly heritage was not necessarily my heritage anymore.  My parents’ paths were their paths and my path is determined by God and meant to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

I have had the incredible blessing of being married to my best friend for almost 25-years.  I have seen four children to adulthood and have been present at the birth of two of my six grandchildren (three of them are by marriage).  The one biological grandchild whose birth I did not witness, I am now raising.  My first grandchild was born when I was 40 and I not only got to be present at the birth, but I got to throw my daughter’s baby shower.  I’ll never forget the day of the baby shower because I was in awe of God’s goodness that day as well.  I was acutely aware of how my life was NOT going the same way as my mother’s and I was so extremely thankful that I was there, sharing in my daughter’s life and celebrating the impending arrival of my first grandchild.  That was 16-years ago and I remember it clearly.

Life is fascinating!  Just yesterday I was riding the bus to Huntington Beach with my brother, almost every day, to go body-surfing and hang out at the beach.  Young (thin), energetic, barely a care in the world.  Now, here I sit.  Older, wider, nowhere near the beach, praying for children and grandchildren, in awe of my blessings.  I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and my children have entered the world with some issues, but they didn’t enter adulthood motherless and even if that doesn’t mean as much to them – it means the world to me.  My youngest brother and sister were 8 and 9 when my mom passed.  They grew up not really knowing her and they are not unaffected by that.  My heart breaks for children who grow up without a parent or parents.  It is always difficult to lose them, but growing up without them seems particularly difficult to me.

Some of my prayers for my children are for salvation.  They don’t all walk with The Lord.  Some of my prayers are for healing.  I have loved ones who are ill and/or injured.  God’s goodness doesn’t mean a perfect life or always getting what we want.  He never promises that.  What He does promise is to never leave us or forsake us.  He is always with us through whatever He allows in our lives, and whatever He allows is for our good for one reason or another.  Reasons we are not always aware of.  I don’t know why He took my mom at such a young age and left me and my siblings motherless.  I don’t know why He didn’t leave MY children motherless at a young age.  I don’t know why He has given me blessings that make me happy at some times and blessings that challenge me and make me cry at other times.  God is not to be put in a box or even fully understood this side of eternity (I’m not sure about the other side either), but He IS to be trusted, glorified, and worshipped because He is always good, and He is worthy.  My life has not been perfect, or an easy ride, and not everything God has done in my life has been pleasant for me.  It has, however, been good.  As a sinner deserving of nothing good, I am in awe of God’s goodness toward me.


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